Embarrassed to Try Again?

Hello, I’m back!!--(aga-a-in)...(and again)...(and again, and again, and again).  You know those people who say “I’m a writer” and then you ask them a year later “So how’s the book coming?” and their answer is “I’m still working on it”?  Embarrassing, right?  Well, that’s kinda me.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend and I relocated to a town an hour and ten minutes from the one we were living in (still no Starbucks here, but an improvement nonetheless).  We are still looking for a place, so meanwhile we are staying with my sister and her boyfriend.  I am sitting at my boyfriend’s new, barely used Mac PC that a friend just gave to him (see, I told you it was an improvement), and doing some writing at 6:30am.  Who writes at 6:30am??  I never thought I would.  But this idea came to me and just wouldn’t let me go, and in a house with four people I am forced to find my writing time when the others are sleeping.  And I’m not even a morning person.

I have had the privilege of not having to work for the past 22 months at a typical job so I could focus on my writing.  While I did spend a year and a half writing articles for the local newspaper about fun events like the town’s street festival or the upcoming season of the local corn maze (and am still doing so long distance for the next two months), I didn’t get much accomplished in the fiction department (my true passion) except for finding a thousand ways not to write and finish a novel.  (Maybe I’ll rename my blog!)

Now, the time to get a job has come.  There are no other options.  I have to do work for someone else and like it long enough to make it through this present financial crisis, write a book, and hope it becomes a bestseller so neither my boyfriend nor I have to work.  (That’s the best case scenario.  Making enough off of a book just to replace a low-income paycheck would be UNBELIEVABLE! at this point.)

Last night while trying to go to sleep, I was inspired, or I had had coffee too late at night, and I kept thinking of these ideas to write and to find more freelance writing work.  (Right now I am editing a friend’s book--for pay, mind you--so don’t you adoring fans get any ideas unless you have cash in your wallet.  And of course I’m talking to you in pure belief that you exist and are actually reading this.  I charge $12 an hour in case you’re interested.)  I finally took out my S Pen on my Galaxy Note II and began scribbling my thoughts.

The result:  a new boost of inspiration to get on the writing horse (riding/writing horse--pretty cool, huh?) again.  I thought “I will start my blog again, you know, the one about the writer’s journey to her first novel.  But perhaps I should start a new one, because this time the journey’s for real.  No false starts like the last two or three I pulled.”  But something in me said “It would be so much more real if you continued on the one that already existed.”  So I’m here this morning, writing something new for my old blog, confessing to everyone that I have failed--again; and I’m trying to continue--again.  I don’t expect anyone to believe me it’s for real this time.  I don’t even know if it is.  But I know I’m trying again, in spite of the embarrassment and possible re-failure.  (I can’t in good conscience call it just plain failure after so many times.)

So here I go to catalog my journey again.  I may not see you for another two months, or I may see you again tomorrow.  Either way, I’ll be back, embarrassment notwithstanding.

Overcoming Failure: How to Find the Strength to Commit Again

It's never fun setting out to do something, then looking back to see a gap of several months that you have not kept your commitment.  But what brings the fun back is going back to those abandoned projects, picking up the loose ends and continuing the progress you started all that long time ago.  It can be embarrassing.  The weight of a second impending failure or abandonment seems more real than actually completing the project.

But it's time to say "enough" to these ugly trolls of ridicule and pick up that pen again and march on toward your original goal of completing that novel, posting regularly on that blog, or keeping your social media updated (all areas where I have struggled too, just look at the last time I posted).  But we can let these past failures keep us down, or we can look them in the eye and say, "You've had your fun.  It's time to overcome."

Last Wednesday I renewed my commitment to finish my first book.  I've been putting in an effort for almost two years.  I've tried all those wonderful tricks, such as telling the world your deadline to finish so that you will be driven to complete your book instead of embarrassing yourself by having to retract your statement.  I have done that one--twice!  And been embarrassed both times.  Now if that's not enough to want to hide in the dark....  I've also started this blog in the attempt to inspire myself and others (and keep myself accountable) by posting of my progress every day.  But it's embarrassing to keep writing, "I got nothing done today."  So I eventually left off of that.

So what made me face all my embarrassing failures from the past two years and dare to commit again?  Money.  Value, really.  Because money represents the amount of value we give to something.  I have given myself an ultimatum:  to make a living off of writing, which I keep saying I do, or to call it quits and make money from a normal job where I will feel suffocated.  Either choice is fine to the public.  There is no shame in working a suffocating job.  And both choices will bring in money.  So it's up to me how I want to make a living.  I value my writing, but I want to see that others do too.  I want to see I'm helping someone and making their lives better by what I write.  For me the best way to tell myself my writing has value is to make my living from it.  So there is no turning back this time.

Do you ever struggle with finding motivation in what you want to do the most in life?  Do people tell you "Well maybe you don't want it enough"?  Do you want to put yourself or your art out there but are just too afraid you're going to fail or that no one will buy it?  I would love to hear from you in the comments below.  I know how that feels and how long and difficult the road to motivation can be.  Together we can do this.  We are meant to conquer and to thrive in abundance.  We are meant to be great.