Beating the Embarrassment of Failure

So I made it to a second day of writing on the regular.  Something interesting that I want to share from yesterday is a “sign” I found when I sat down at the desk at 6:30 am to write.  I already knew the topic I was going to write about (embarrassment) and that I was going to announce that I was going to, yet again, make a declaration of commitment to writing.

I sit at the desk, turn the computer on and start gathering all the papers in front of me into a pile so I can put them on the side.  (This is actually my sister’s desk because my boyfriend and I are staying at her house while we look for an apartment.)  I pull one paper out that “happens” to say “No More Shame”--a brochure from a Singapore-based pastor named Joseph Prince.  I know his material well.  Bible-based, grace and love-filled encouragement.  His books, CD's, and magazines are all over my sister’s house.  His sermons helped my sister’s boyfriend believe that he would be healed from cancer (and he has been healed for a year now).

This same grace gave me confidence to try again at my writing.  I want to make a living off of writing so bad.  I’ve been reading a book of interviews of well-known writers such as Jodi Picoult, Sue Grafton and others.  So far most of them say the same thing.  “I can’t not write” or “Writing is the only thing I know how to do.”  Yes!  I agree.  There are other things I’ve learned to do such as office work, waitressing, and teaching.  I had to work very hard at those jobs, but I was never naturally good at them.  Writing is the only thing I feel good about doing.  It takes hard work and discipline, but even then it’s fun.  It’s because I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  And I know I’m good at it.  All those other jobs left a daily doubt in my mind of whether or not I was doing well.  But when I write, I know I’m the bomb.

So with renewed commitment and a heavenly sign of “No More Shame”,  I am ready to officially start my career of being a writer for myself (meaning I will not only freelance for the newspaper, but I will turn my own ideas into books--fiction and non--and articles).

Embarrassed to Try Again?

Hello, I’m back!!--(aga-a-in)...(and again)...(and again, and again, and again).  You know those people who say “I’m a writer” and then you ask them a year later “So how’s the book coming?” and their answer is “I’m still working on it”?  Embarrassing, right?  Well, that’s kinda me.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend and I relocated to a town an hour and ten minutes from the one we were living in (still no Starbucks here, but an improvement nonetheless).  We are still looking for a place, so meanwhile we are staying with my sister and her boyfriend.  I am sitting at my boyfriend’s new, barely used Mac PC that a friend just gave to him (see, I told you it was an improvement), and doing some writing at 6:30am.  Who writes at 6:30am??  I never thought I would.  But this idea came to me and just wouldn’t let me go, and in a house with four people I am forced to find my writing time when the others are sleeping.  And I’m not even a morning person.

I have had the privilege of not having to work for the past 22 months at a typical job so I could focus on my writing.  While I did spend a year and a half writing articles for the local newspaper about fun events like the town’s street festival or the upcoming season of the local corn maze (and am still doing so long distance for the next two months), I didn’t get much accomplished in the fiction department (my true passion) except for finding a thousand ways not to write and finish a novel.  (Maybe I’ll rename my blog!)

Now, the time to get a job has come.  There are no other options.  I have to do work for someone else and like it long enough to make it through this present financial crisis, write a book, and hope it becomes a bestseller so neither my boyfriend nor I have to work.  (That’s the best case scenario.  Making enough off of a book just to replace a low-income paycheck would be UNBELIEVABLE! at this point.)

Last night while trying to go to sleep, I was inspired, or I had had coffee too late at night, and I kept thinking of these ideas to write and to find more freelance writing work.  (Right now I am editing a friend’s book--for pay, mind you--so don’t you adoring fans get any ideas unless you have cash in your wallet.  And of course I’m talking to you in pure belief that you exist and are actually reading this.  I charge $12 an hour in case you’re interested.)  I finally took out my S Pen on my Galaxy Note II and began scribbling my thoughts.

The result:  a new boost of inspiration to get on the writing horse (riding/writing horse--pretty cool, huh?) again.  I thought “I will start my blog again, you know, the one about the writer’s journey to her first novel.  But perhaps I should start a new one, because this time the journey’s for real.  No false starts like the last two or three I pulled.”  But something in me said “It would be so much more real if you continued on the one that already existed.”  So I’m here this morning, writing something new for my old blog, confessing to everyone that I have failed--again; and I’m trying to continue--again.  I don’t expect anyone to believe me it’s for real this time.  I don’t even know if it is.  But I know I’m trying again, in spite of the embarrassment and possible re-failure.  (I can’t in good conscience call it just plain failure after so many times.)

So here I go to catalog my journey again.  I may not see you for another two months, or I may see you again tomorrow.  Either way, I’ll be back, embarrassment notwithstanding.