Beating the Embarrassment of Failure

So I made it to a second day of writing on the regular.  Something interesting that I want to share from yesterday is a “sign” I found when I sat down at the desk at 6:30 am to write.  I already knew the topic I was going to write about (embarrassment) and that I was going to announce that I was going to, yet again, make a declaration of commitment to writing.

I sit at the desk, turn the computer on and start gathering all the papers in front of me into a pile so I can put them on the side.  (This is actually my sister’s desk because my boyfriend and I are staying at her house while we look for an apartment.)  I pull one paper out that “happens” to say “No More Shame”--a brochure from a Singapore-based pastor named Joseph Prince.  I know his material well.  Bible-based, grace and love-filled encouragement.  His books, CD's, and magazines are all over my sister’s house.  His sermons helped my sister’s boyfriend believe that he would be healed from cancer (and he has been healed for a year now).

This same grace gave me confidence to try again at my writing.  I want to make a living off of writing so bad.  I’ve been reading a book of interviews of well-known writers such as Jodi Picoult, Sue Grafton and others.  So far most of them say the same thing.  “I can’t not write” or “Writing is the only thing I know how to do.”  Yes!  I agree.  There are other things I’ve learned to do such as office work, waitressing, and teaching.  I had to work very hard at those jobs, but I was never naturally good at them.  Writing is the only thing I feel good about doing.  It takes hard work and discipline, but even then it’s fun.  It’s because I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.  And I know I’m good at it.  All those other jobs left a daily doubt in my mind of whether or not I was doing well.  But when I write, I know I’m the bomb.

So with renewed commitment and a heavenly sign of “No More Shame”,  I am ready to officially start my career of being a writer for myself (meaning I will not only freelance for the newspaper, but I will turn my own ideas into books--fiction and non--and articles).

Overcoming Failure: How to Find the Strength to Commit Again

It's never fun setting out to do something, then looking back to see a gap of several months that you have not kept your commitment.  But what brings the fun back is going back to those abandoned projects, picking up the loose ends and continuing the progress you started all that long time ago.  It can be embarrassing.  The weight of a second impending failure or abandonment seems more real than actually completing the project.

But it's time to say "enough" to these ugly trolls of ridicule and pick up that pen again and march on toward your original goal of completing that novel, posting regularly on that blog, or keeping your social media updated (all areas where I have struggled too, just look at the last time I posted).  But we can let these past failures keep us down, or we can look them in the eye and say, "You've had your fun.  It's time to overcome."

Last Wednesday I renewed my commitment to finish my first book.  I've been putting in an effort for almost two years.  I've tried all those wonderful tricks, such as telling the world your deadline to finish so that you will be driven to complete your book instead of embarrassing yourself by having to retract your statement.  I have done that one--twice!  And been embarrassed both times.  Now if that's not enough to want to hide in the dark....  I've also started this blog in the attempt to inspire myself and others (and keep myself accountable) by posting of my progress every day.  But it's embarrassing to keep writing, "I got nothing done today."  So I eventually left off of that.

So what made me face all my embarrassing failures from the past two years and dare to commit again?  Money.  Value, really.  Because money represents the amount of value we give to something.  I have given myself an ultimatum:  to make a living off of writing, which I keep saying I do, or to call it quits and make money from a normal job where I will feel suffocated.  Either choice is fine to the public.  There is no shame in working a suffocating job.  And both choices will bring in money.  So it's up to me how I want to make a living.  I value my writing, but I want to see that others do too.  I want to see I'm helping someone and making their lives better by what I write.  For me the best way to tell myself my writing has value is to make my living from it.  So there is no turning back this time.

Do you ever struggle with finding motivation in what you want to do the most in life?  Do people tell you "Well maybe you don't want it enough"?  Do you want to put yourself or your art out there but are just too afraid you're going to fail or that no one will buy it?  I would love to hear from you in the comments below.  I know how that feels and how long and difficult the road to motivation can be.  Together we can do this.  We are meant to conquer and to thrive in abundance.  We are meant to be great.

Afraid of Commitment?

I began my morning with two slices of fried liver pudding and a wedge of Laughing Cow spreadable garlic and herb cheese along with my daily cup of coffee.  Not the most unusual breakfast I’ve ever eaten, but right up there with my other writer’s quirks.

My deadline looms before me.  March 1, 2014.  My self-chosen e-publish date for my debut novel.  Day 1 with 59 days to go to achieve the impossible.  Always one wary of commitment, proclaiming to the world, promising to complete a certain task by a certain day, I must have lost my mind to give an end date to such an ominously large project as a novel.  And yet the decision is made.  The clock is already ticking, and I have no choice but to proceed and find my way in the unpredictable maze of writing.

My progress stands at two very rough drafty chapters, completed and sent to my reading buddy Teresa.  I took last week off for Christmas.  And now I’m back to the drawing board (or is it more appropriate to say writing board?) for the next two chapters.  Logic tells me I need to produce more than two chapters a week to meet my goal, but my common sense tells me to shoot for two chapters and my overachiever ability will pump out the rest.  I’m trying a different approach to reaching this goal (not my first time in setting it) and setting small, easy-to-reach checkpoints along the way.  Thus, I will be encouraged and be able to work harder by removing the stress that normally accompanies large projects for me.

So here I go.  Check back tomorrow to see how I’ve fared on my journey to writing my first novel.  Sometimes the only way to overcome your fears is to face them and beat them down.  I’ve stopped running and started fighting, word by word, until this novel is on the page.  Follow me on Twitter @EdinanRoman or connect with me on Google + by clicking the follow button below.  Join the adventure and share your own writing journey as we inspire millions on the path behind us.